Hollywood. Remake capital of the world. Never shall a original script or screen play be left unflogged. Yet, with an ample supply of movies and scripts to
reuse, they seem rather myopic in which they choose. They are Godzilla, fierce and unstoppable with goals we mere humans fail to comprehend. Especially with
television series. How easy it is to take a show slap it's title on a re-envisioned adaptation, remold it for the big screen, flog it with hype and. . .
But who decides which "propertuies" get remade into movies? Who decides which are more deserving of the remake treatment?
Well today, friends, that person is me! Oh, sure, my words carry no weight. My spittle wouldn't even reach the cog in the machine, but the question of which movies should be made is easy: The Karnstein Trilogy!
The pros are legion. First, it's a FRANCHISE! Hollywood loves it's franchises. Second, it's a horror movie about vampires. (Carmilla, to be exact. A classic vampire tale by aurthor Sheridan le Fanu.) More precisely this was, originally, a three movie arc from the legendary Hammer Studios. Thus, THREE, this has that all important NAME RECOGNITION that means a ready made audience is out there for it.
So why hasn't it been done? Darned if I know. But, if I could make it, it might look something like this........
Treatment for a new Karnstein Trilogy
First: Return to the source.
Second: Nix the pseudo-Satanic Devil worshipping mumbo-jumbo and replace it with psuedo-Occult mumbo-jumbo suited to the time period.
Third: Re-write the scripts as part of a larger interlinked story arc.
Fourth: Alter the line-up so "Twins of Evil" becomes the lead-in "prequel" movie of the trilogy. This will require a bit of rewriting as it needs to set the stage for "Vampire Lovers" and should provide some background for Carmilla, thus making her entry in "Vampire Lovers" part of her flight from the Witch/Vampire Hunters of Twins of Evil leaving Lust to become more of a suspense thriller ghost story.
Fifth: The following actors should be worked into these remakes via cameos, bit parts, &tc: Udo Kier, Dame Edna, Helen Mirren, Tom Baker, Paul Naschy, Sandahl Bergman, Max von Sydow, and any other genre regular I might have forgotten who'd be willing to appear.
That said here's how I see the movies. . .
Twins of Evil
Bring this closer in line with the facts established in the written story (which will really be what Vampire Lovers is about) as much as possible for a prequel. I've got a solid cast outlined that's sure to be a box office hit, might need to alter the story a little, but don't lose any of the salaciousness. Here we are introduced to Carmilla and at least two attendants, as there was a woman in the coach and a coach driver who must escape with her. Thus this can serve as the reason for her flight in the second movie.
Gustav Weil. . . .Sean Bean
Dietrich. . . .Ben Kingsley
Maria Gellhorn. . . .Mary-Kate Olsen
Frieda Gellhorn. . . . Ashley Olsen
Ingrid Hoffer. . . .Claudia Black
Countess Mircalla. . . .Milla Jovovich
Count Karnstein. . . .Gil Bellows
The Vampire Lovers
Definitely keep the innocent Sapphic subtext but tighten the story up a bit here or there. Mainly by showing how alone Laura is so that the audience sympathizes with and better understands why she so readily welcomes Mircalla. It's that innocent hunger for friendship resulting from isolation and loneliness, in addition to Laura's naïveté, which Mircalla preys upon. That was something the original movie glossed over. Also the movie needs an new ending suitable as a set up for the final movie in the trilogy arc. Not too many changes otherwise, aside from fresh costuming and sets, of course.
General von Spielsdorf. . . .Pete Postlethwaite
Baron Joachim von Hartog. . . .Steve Railsback
Laura. . . .Alyson Hannigan
Mircalla Karnstein. . . .Milla Jovovich
Emma Morton. . . .Kirsten Dunst
The Governess. . . .Jennifer Aniston
Lust for a Vampire
A few changes. As in the original a young woman attends a boarding school however she is not Carmilla raised from the dead by blood ritual. Rather she is merely a possible Karnstein descendant (Clarmila) who becomes possessed by the spirit of Carmilla. Similarly Giles, rather than being some satanic acolyte, now merely becomes an older man desperate to hold onto life who, through a series of events, learns of the true nature of the spirit possessing Clarmila and seeks to help the spirit take over her body en total so that he might become immortal. Too, more time should be spent developing the school setting, specifically the teachers, their classes, and student interactions. Thus this version is played more as a suspense thriller perhaps in the Suspira vein with lots of misdirection as to what's really going on. Viz. Clarmila may not be Carmilla but what if her classmates believe her to be her reincarnation at the beginning only to find out, after accepting she's not, that Carmilla's spirit is possessing her! And what of the mysterious Mircalla, the student no one seems to know?
Mircalla Karnstein. . . .Milla Jovovich
Clarmila. . . .Laura Prepon
Giles Barton. . . .David McCallum
Miss Simpson. . . .Helen Mirren (principal)
Janet Playfair. . . .Summer Glau (dance teacher)
Margaret Daunse. . . .Lake Bell (music teacher)
Not sure about the rest of the cast for this one. Obviously it would need a lot of "schoolgirls" and a few background characters. Did I mention the need to cast A LOT of nubile schoolgirls?
Now to decide whether to use Playboy or Penthouse playmates. . . . . .
Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan