image

I wasn't going to post this as it's more rant than review but, given the lack of recent posts, and the fact I really, really, REALLY was miffed by this movie I figure what the hey. So, without wasting more of your valuable time, here's what I thought of 30 Days of Night. . .

Having recently caught this movie on satellite I have to admit to being just a bit baffled by what I saw. It's not that this is a horrible movie as technically it's well lighted, and therein lays the first of many irksome problems. The crux of the story is this takes place in a remote area of Alaska just as it's entering a period of 30 days of night, ergo the title. Now that's a simple enough premise to grasp. There is a period of 30 days of night, meaning no sunlight, and you're in Alaska, which means it's going to be totally dark in a region of perpetual snow. Simple. Straightforward.

So why is everything so well lit?

But let's forget that for a moment. So here we are, in Alaska, just as night is starting to fall when, gasp, vampires attack! Never mind that it makes no sense that a band of ravenous vampires appear, out of nowhere, in Alaska, which has virtually 24 hours of nonstop daylight, to besiege a remote town just as it's starting to get dark for what is supposed to be it's ONLY 30 days of night. The question I want answered is where did these vampires come from and how did they survive the daylight? This isn't a small gyspys band of two or three vampires it's a friggin extended clan. Oh, yeah, and they sound Russian or Polish. So did they arrive in a submarine? How are they moving across the open land during daylight hours?

In the movie they are depicted more or less as just wandering into the town off the open tundra. Yet, at one point during the movie, a UV lamp is shown to cause them 3rd degree burns. WTF? If a UV lamp can do that then how the holy Mork and Mindy did these gobshites survive the long walk in out of perpetual daylight?

That's the first question I asked myself after the roving band of vampires attacked the remote little village, taking out the cell phone tower and power. The more I pondered this question the more I began to realize this movie not only defies logic it defies every physical law you can think of, and probably a few we've not thought up yet, not to mention ignoring established vampire lore. In short this entire movie is a joke and the audience are the poor fools being punked.

Think about what I've typed so far. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to realize that Alaska, at night, equals extreme cold. It also doesn't take a brain scientist to figure out that extreme cold means humans would die very quickly without sources of heat-- And I don't mean just to keep warm. You're going to need heat to keep water from turning into ice. You're going to need heat to keep food from turning into rock hard foodcicles.

Yet the entire movie is about a small group of survivors. Survivors who, for the most part, hide in an attic hoping to wait out the vampires until daylight. Have you ever been in a attic? There's not much light even in the day time yet this attic, which the surivors supposedly occupy during an ALASKAN NIGHT, has more light than the room I'm in as I'm typing these words. Yes, I know, that makes no sense but that's the basic plot. People hiding in an attic. They should be facing the fear of the dark, difficulty in getting around as they've become virtually blind, alas the filmmakers seemed blind to these basic facts of reality.

30 Days of Night is the sort of premise that sounds good when scribbled on a cocktail napkin at a party by a drunk. Now most people, when they sober up, would have the common sense to realize that this is also a premise that just doesn't work without a lot of tweaking. Problem is the morons responsible for this garbage were tweaking, not the script or story, I mean they were just tweaking.

Remember we're in Alaska. It's night. The cell phone towers are down. This was so important to the plot we had to be shown the tower blowing up. I'm guessing the morons that scripted this never heard of radio, much less shortwave or CB, to say nothing of satellite phones, airplanes, or helicopters. They were at least aware of cars, which means the vampires got to rampage through town and disabled the vehicles in addition to the cell tower. But the point of that pointless pyrotechnic display is that was the visual to let the audience know the town is cut off from communication with the outside world.

Okay, fine. It's a bit of a stretch but some might argue this is just a way to get the point across to a modern mainstream audience. Which doesn't explain, and this is beyond me, why the story never once addressed the fact this is ALASKA, AT NIGHT. That means it's going to be very cold. That means any survivors are going to be fighting for survival against the elements every second.

But, wait, did I mention this is Alaska at night? We're talking sub-arctic temperatures that would make polar bear piss turn to ice before it hit the ground. Yet neither the vampires or survivors seem to be the least bit affected by these frigid temperatures. Not only that when the survivors make a break for a convenience store, during a white out blizzard of a snowstorm no less, they just wander up to shelves and start eating candy bars and whatever else they find.

You may be saying: SO WHAT! They were hungry. People got to eat. Right?

Yeah but as someone who has lived where it snows, and only during part of the year, I can tell you with relative certainty that any food left in a unheated area would be frozen. But never mind that. Where are these people going to the toilet? How are they staying clean and dry?

To keep warm you need to bundle up. Just because it's zero degrees outside doesn't mean you stop sweating. If you sweat and your clothes get wet you run the risk of getting hypothermia and dying. To not get hypothermia and die you have to stay warm and dry, which means having a source of heat to keep your clothes dry. Either way you've got problems.

Think about it. If you've never lived where it snows you probably don't know this but to go to the bathroom when it's cold, I mean really cold, you tend to run the risk of freezing your exposed parts off. Yet these survivors are in hiding. They don't seem to be doing much to create fire for warmth. And, if they did, it would attract the vampires. They don't seem to have space heaters due to the lack of electricity so, I ask you, how are these survivors not peoplecicles?

I can overlook the vampires moving about in the cold, after all they're supposed to be preternatural critters so they might have antifreeze for blood, but you just can't ignore reality like the idiots responsible for this reprehensible crime against cinema do and expect people to care one white snowflake about shallow characters cast in a clich├ęd story that makes no effort to seem the least bit plausible. As a vampire movie this is utter drek. However if you don't care for feasibly story, realistic plot, or developed characters then 30 Days of Night is not a half bad mindless action flick with a bit of mild gore. You've been warned.

image